Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
You Might Also Like
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.