Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
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Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
estão todos miauvindo?
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
I have a new favorite meme page
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE