robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
You Might Also Like
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”