A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
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My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*