A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
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Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
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Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
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17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
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