What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
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[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.
BANK MANAGER: Get out!
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.