What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
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I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
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Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”![]()
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
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Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*