Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
You Might Also Like
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.