Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
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my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
*seductively eats two tums*
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
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Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.