dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
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me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Ugh but profoundly
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
How it started: How it’s going:
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!