Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
You Might Also Like
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Would you wear it?