ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
You Might Also Like
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Just how popey was the pope today?
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.