Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
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TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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Typing…
No, why?
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?