before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
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My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.