Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
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Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
This squirrel eats better than I do