Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
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I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Doctors texting each other.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom