Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
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Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.