if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
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if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Brother?
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.