Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
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Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends