When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
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what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Tony Hawk, age 6
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.