Brother?
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Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap