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@PaperWash

Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology

Egyptians: …

Aliens: …

Egyptians: ok don’t be mad

@IDontSpeakWhine

My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.

@DanMentos

My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy

@nsturden

Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?

@anerdonfire2

I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.

@joci2203

Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?

Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?

Cop:Lol, nevermind

@jonnysun

nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”

@riesypiecey

its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.

@sixfootcandy

Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.

Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.