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Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology

Egyptians: …

Aliens: …

Egyptians: ok don’t be mad


My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.


My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy


Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?


I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.


Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?

Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?

Cop:Lol, nevermind


nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”


its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.


Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.

Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.