Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
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For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Happy Thanksgiving
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
CRYING
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.