I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
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A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
work smarter, not harder
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.