I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
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SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”![]()
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
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Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport