I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
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Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
How software testing works
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
finally
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.