sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale
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Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.