The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
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Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.