What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

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“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink


[Ouija Board]

“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”

You'll die soon


Hold on I have another call


I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.



GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?

LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.


If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…

Except I don’t do housework.


I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.


*During sex*

Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.


I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.