What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
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Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if