@FatherWithTwins Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
@ShesAllNat What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
You Might Also Like
@FatherWithTwins 
@SlabBaconBP Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
@amhaunted This tree does a lot of weird exercises
@JohnHilsen Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
@chi73girl My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
@Kyle_Lippert Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
@ShipInTheKnight Funny women are smart. Be careful.
@VikeeysSecret Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
@lovemydogduck Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
@fatherofcomedy ‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker