@ShesAllNat

What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

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@UNDEADTRESOR

You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,

@noog

Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?

@JimmerThatisAll

I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.

@Nickadoo

The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.

@NintenDom

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

@GloriaFallon123

You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.

@OuterJohn

1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater

@noog

Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.