@Lisa_Laughs_ We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
@ShesAllNat What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
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@Lisa_Laughs_ 
@bridger_w “Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
@Reverend_Scott [Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ
“OMG HOW”
Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ
@HotlinkStrahota I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
@WritePlay *date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
@doktorj If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
@little_hansel What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
@BlindVigil I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
@Social_Mime *During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
@jackiembouvier I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.