Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
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Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker