Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
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When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.