[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
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Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.