62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
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definitely did not do anything wrong
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Eggs benadryl my favourite
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.