So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
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My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
when you are just born a rebel
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?