[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
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me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
In banana years, I am bread.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.