If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
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[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Was it something I said?
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant