How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
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My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
no one ever comes back
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
me logging onto twitter
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?