Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
You Might Also Like
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Happens to everyone.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother