Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
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Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry