just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
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Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.