rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
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Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
True
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Flowers bee like
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you