BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
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Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.