like u make the diseases or are against them ?
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If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.