If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
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Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work