dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
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If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
those birds must be on payroll
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!