Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
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You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.