@PinkCamoTO

And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.

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@Eastlows

Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up

@sass_slinger

You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.

@danoverhere

My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.

@Brianhopecomedy

To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.

@over_rated

“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians

@SamGirlSunday

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

@felixoshea

By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.

@LABeachmom

The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.

@torrami

Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.

@noog

When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.