And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
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My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
selfie game
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here