And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
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At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet