And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
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Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
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So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
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older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.