And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
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It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Is….Is this an option?
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.