Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
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Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
me and who
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
he looks great for his age
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)