My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
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Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
When news reporters do sports stories
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.