I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
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Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
inside you are two wolves
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.