I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
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I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes