Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
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Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas