When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
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I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh