Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
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ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Can’t. Being lazy.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad