I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
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Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Never ghost your hitman.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”