I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
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Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.