Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
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Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
when someone rings the doorbell
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
I put the p in pants.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart